Sunday, May 23, 2010
Name Change
Decided to change the name of the blog. I'd like to be a little more anonymous, even though whoever finds this page probably already knows who I am...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Even I Don't Know
People continue to congratulate me for becoming nidan. A time for joy and celebration. The convergence of energy, everything in place that I should test and promote this past week. My instructor asked me to do it. All of the teachers admitted my readiness. So why did this test not happen? Why is it that even I don't know my status?
I had very little to do with it from the start. My teacher seemed surprised that I was not yet nidan when it came up in conversation about a week before the seminar. He said that I ought to test, since my main teachers were coming in to teach anyway.
It didn't occur to me to question when this would happen, that they would take care of the details, and I should be prepared at any time. The seminar came and went, but there was no test. Nothing happened at all.
Then one of my teachers came up to me and I was told I would be granted rank and the paperwork would be filled out without a physical test. Why?? I want a physical test! Why am I different from all the other students who take physical tests? I don't want to believe they forgot. But I think they forgot.
Anyway, my nameplate was moved up in rank in my absence, and a little note of congratulations was attached to it. I received some congratulatory emails as well. The thing is, I didn't tell anyone that I had passed. I told a couple of people that I wasn't sure but I think I might've been awarded rank.
The anger hit not because of any of this, per se; it hit when I felt deprived of the joy of actually testing, passing, and receiving rank from my teachers, of being able to reciprocate the joy of congratulatory hugs. I felt stifled and passive, and disappointed.
And now it's all about letting it go. It doesn't matter when it comes down to it. My Aikido hasn't changed. My job on the earth hasn't changed. Even my respect for these people hasn't much been affected. If I can hold the space and keep moving, there is much more to gain over freezing it and solidifying the negative feelings in my mind.
I got a cold promptly after dropping off the last teacher at the airport. It traveled through my body -- I could feel the virus moved from my lungs to my intestines to my ears, etc. It took four days for it to move through me and now I feel about 90% well. So this is about half the time it used to take...
I had very little to do with it from the start. My teacher seemed surprised that I was not yet nidan when it came up in conversation about a week before the seminar. He said that I ought to test, since my main teachers were coming in to teach anyway.
It didn't occur to me to question when this would happen, that they would take care of the details, and I should be prepared at any time. The seminar came and went, but there was no test. Nothing happened at all.
Then one of my teachers came up to me and I was told I would be granted rank and the paperwork would be filled out without a physical test. Why?? I want a physical test! Why am I different from all the other students who take physical tests? I don't want to believe they forgot. But I think they forgot.
Anyway, my nameplate was moved up in rank in my absence, and a little note of congratulations was attached to it. I received some congratulatory emails as well. The thing is, I didn't tell anyone that I had passed. I told a couple of people that I wasn't sure but I think I might've been awarded rank.
The anger hit not because of any of this, per se; it hit when I felt deprived of the joy of actually testing, passing, and receiving rank from my teachers, of being able to reciprocate the joy of congratulatory hugs. I felt stifled and passive, and disappointed.
And now it's all about letting it go. It doesn't matter when it comes down to it. My Aikido hasn't changed. My job on the earth hasn't changed. Even my respect for these people hasn't much been affected. If I can hold the space and keep moving, there is much more to gain over freezing it and solidifying the negative feelings in my mind.
I got a cold promptly after dropping off the last teacher at the airport. It traveled through my body -- I could feel the virus moved from my lungs to my intestines to my ears, etc. It took four days for it to move through me and now I feel about 90% well. So this is about half the time it used to take...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Trotting
Translating for Sensei is easier than I anticipated. I really haven't forgotten all that much Japanese in one year. The vocab I didn't know is the same vocab I struggled with when I lived in Japan. The gaps are the same; some ideas and concepts are just freakin hard to wrap your head around when it comes to Japanese.
I want Sensei's classes to be interesting, fun and challenging. It's occurring to me as I translate, though, that just because I played a part in his being here doesn't mean I identify with the guy fully. Some things he says are really cool and I like to say them in front of the group. Other things he says I try not to skew too much, but they are kind of repetitive or forcing the point. He speaks for himself during those times, so to speak. I just brought him here (with some help!). He's got to show that he's got the quality that will bring him back year after year.
I guess because he's very high-ranking, it must be hard for him to find someone to work with who provides him a challenge. In that way, he seems a little stiff/stuck on himself to me. I mean like another Sensei I know, he works a 'magic' that is almost too quick to see with the naked eye. This is not as interesting to me as something I can directly copy and learn. A magician doesn't give away his or her tricks; I personally think a martial artist should though.
On a personal note, the relationship that is developing between myself and my boss/teacher/friend is most interesting. I feel him in a way that is more instant and deeper than many people I've known. I wondered why I was drawn to take such a long break from Aikido last year (9 months off). Was it so that this wonderful encounter with this teacher, this place, this experience might occur? Absolutely, without a doubt it was.
I want Sensei's classes to be interesting, fun and challenging. It's occurring to me as I translate, though, that just because I played a part in his being here doesn't mean I identify with the guy fully. Some things he says are really cool and I like to say them in front of the group. Other things he says I try not to skew too much, but they are kind of repetitive or forcing the point. He speaks for himself during those times, so to speak. I just brought him here (with some help!). He's got to show that he's got the quality that will bring him back year after year.
I guess because he's very high-ranking, it must be hard for him to find someone to work with who provides him a challenge. In that way, he seems a little stiff/stuck on himself to me. I mean like another Sensei I know, he works a 'magic' that is almost too quick to see with the naked eye. This is not as interesting to me as something I can directly copy and learn. A magician doesn't give away his or her tricks; I personally think a martial artist should though.
On a personal note, the relationship that is developing between myself and my boss/teacher/friend is most interesting. I feel him in a way that is more instant and deeper than many people I've known. I wondered why I was drawn to take such a long break from Aikido last year (9 months off). Was it so that this wonderful encounter with this teacher, this place, this experience might occur? Absolutely, without a doubt it was.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Convergence
Next week, our dojo hosts a huge seminar. My teacher from CO, who taught me for 5 years, my teacher from Japan, who taught me for 2 1/2 years, and my current teacher will all be there.
My teacher from Japan gets here early next week, and not only because I manage the dojo and I speak Japanese, but also because of my familiarity with Sensei personally, I get to take him out to see the sites. We're going to Philly to see the old city and also over to Lancaster for what will probably be his first encounter with Amish. This should be interesting.
I was asked to, so I expect I'll also translate when he teaches, unless someone with better Japanese than mine should emerge. I'm just going to try to do his words some justice -- he's going to be talking about some pretty esoteric stuff, I imagine. Anyone who's done it knows that translating itself is challenging, then combine that with the fact that I haven't spoken Japanese for a while, plus I'll be in front of a lot of people and this is what I'll feel like ---> (>.<*)
One more thing to add to the mix: my current teacher wants me to take my nidan in front of all these people and teachers. What a silly surprise... and how lopsided I feel in my technique -- some things I know like the back of my hand, but I have only recently started weapons forms again, after a 5-year hiatus, so those are utter crap and not even test-worthy.
If this test does manifest, I have nothing to show but what I actually have, who I actually am. I seriously have nothing to prove -- I am an Aikido mutt, and it is reflected in my movement. I don't know if this has made me stronger. If anything, I hope it makes me more versatile, more open. Whatever. This is really where I am.
So let's hope that this seminar is a huge success, not just for me, but for all my teachers. I'm sure they each have things on their minds too, maybe some more than I do.
My teacher from Japan gets here early next week, and not only because I manage the dojo and I speak Japanese, but also because of my familiarity with Sensei personally, I get to take him out to see the sites. We're going to Philly to see the old city and also over to Lancaster for what will probably be his first encounter with Amish. This should be interesting.
I was asked to, so I expect I'll also translate when he teaches, unless someone with better Japanese than mine should emerge. I'm just going to try to do his words some justice -- he's going to be talking about some pretty esoteric stuff, I imagine. Anyone who's done it knows that translating itself is challenging, then combine that with the fact that I haven't spoken Japanese for a while, plus I'll be in front of a lot of people and this is what I'll feel like ---> (>.<*)
One more thing to add to the mix: my current teacher wants me to take my nidan in front of all these people and teachers. What a silly surprise... and how lopsided I feel in my technique -- some things I know like the back of my hand, but I have only recently started weapons forms again, after a 5-year hiatus, so those are utter crap and not even test-worthy.
If this test does manifest, I have nothing to show but what I actually have, who I actually am. I seriously have nothing to prove -- I am an Aikido mutt, and it is reflected in my movement. I don't know if this has made me stronger. If anything, I hope it makes me more versatile, more open. Whatever. This is really where I am.
So let's hope that this seminar is a huge success, not just for me, but for all my teachers. I'm sure they each have things on their minds too, maybe some more than I do.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Chew Toy
Okay, so it has been a long time, I'll admit. I like it when we'll all happy, though, and so let me do my part and catch you up and hope it adds some nice spice to your life and gives ya something new to chew on.
Just over one year ago, I got back from 4 1/2 years living in Japan. Before I left, I wanted to have something in place for myself back in the US, so I took in on as a challenge to create an ideal job for me. I chose personal trainer.
After I returned, I enrolled in a six-month program at NPTI, the National Personal Training Institute. I graduated in October '09, and by a sweet blessing got hired by one of my instructors from school as a part-time coach for his Crossfit box.
In December, just as the box moved to a huge new location, I got a job offer to go full time working at an Aikido dojo run and owned by a friend of mine. I took the job, and now this friend has also become my boss and teacher. I really pour my heart and soul into seeing that his place is taken care of, that customers keep rolling in and are satisfied with what they get, and I am also able to thrive and grow.
Someone at my Crossfit Certification in April told me about a place to buy discount Crossfit equipment, so I went down there and got some, and started practicing Crossfit here at the dojo about two weeks ago. I really want to hold Crossfit or Crossfit-style classes here. That's my long-term goal.
In the short term, all the old stuff still applies. I want to be at optimal health, facilitate others' journey to get there too. More and more I want to create and live in a space where love, caring, and honesty are apparent and abundant. Those are my short term goals because they are the ones I'm living out of habit or out of choice every single day.
One way I treat myself well is that almost every morning I have a rockin' smoothie for breakfast. These smoothies rock because I put whatever I like in them. Also, I don't put in crap that will hurt my tummy later on, make me gain weight, or put me in a bad mood.
Yesterday was just about the best smoothie I ever had.
It contained:
a golden delicious apple w/skin,
1/4 navel orange
1/2 cup fresh aloe
1/2 sweet potato w/skin
a shot of acai juice
protein powder
about 2 cups baby spinach leaves
5 fresh local strawberries
and about 1 1/2 cups spring water
I finally got over sugary-sweet things and creamy-heavy things, and things that taste good on my tongue but don't feel good in my body. (I'm over them, but I still eat them sometimes, just not very often.) I'm reading 'The Zone,' which helps.
I'm also reading 'Julie and Julia,' plus the 5+ books on cycle on my night stand. I've been sleeping well and my resting pulse was 51 this morning.
Jeez, now that I've told you everything, what the heck am I going to write next time? I know, I know, lighten up. That's what this is all about. :)
Just over one year ago, I got back from 4 1/2 years living in Japan. Before I left, I wanted to have something in place for myself back in the US, so I took in on as a challenge to create an ideal job for me. I chose personal trainer.
After I returned, I enrolled in a six-month program at NPTI, the National Personal Training Institute. I graduated in October '09, and by a sweet blessing got hired by one of my instructors from school as a part-time coach for his Crossfit box.
In December, just as the box moved to a huge new location, I got a job offer to go full time working at an Aikido dojo run and owned by a friend of mine. I took the job, and now this friend has also become my boss and teacher. I really pour my heart and soul into seeing that his place is taken care of, that customers keep rolling in and are satisfied with what they get, and I am also able to thrive and grow.
Someone at my Crossfit Certification in April told me about a place to buy discount Crossfit equipment, so I went down there and got some, and started practicing Crossfit here at the dojo about two weeks ago. I really want to hold Crossfit or Crossfit-style classes here. That's my long-term goal.
In the short term, all the old stuff still applies. I want to be at optimal health, facilitate others' journey to get there too. More and more I want to create and live in a space where love, caring, and honesty are apparent and abundant. Those are my short term goals because they are the ones I'm living out of habit or out of choice every single day.
One way I treat myself well is that almost every morning I have a rockin' smoothie for breakfast. These smoothies rock because I put whatever I like in them. Also, I don't put in crap that will hurt my tummy later on, make me gain weight, or put me in a bad mood.
Yesterday was just about the best smoothie I ever had.
It contained:
a golden delicious apple w/skin,
1/4 navel orange
1/2 cup fresh aloe
1/2 sweet potato w/skin
a shot of acai juice
protein powder
about 2 cups baby spinach leaves
5 fresh local strawberries
and about 1 1/2 cups spring water
I finally got over sugary-sweet things and creamy-heavy things, and things that taste good on my tongue but don't feel good in my body. (I'm over them, but I still eat them sometimes, just not very often.) I'm reading 'The Zone,' which helps.
I'm also reading 'Julie and Julia,' plus the 5+ books on cycle on my night stand. I've been sleeping well and my resting pulse was 51 this morning.
Jeez, now that I've told you everything, what the heck am I going to write next time? I know, I know, lighten up. That's what this is all about. :)
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