Even I Don't Know

People continue to congratulate me for becoming nidan. A time for joy and celebration. The convergence of energy, everything in place that I should test and promote this past week. My instructor asked me to do it. All of the teachers admitted my readiness. So why did this test not happen? Why is it that even I don't know my status?

I had very little to do with it from the start. My teacher seemed surprised that I was not yet nidan when it came up in conversation about a week before the seminar. He said that I ought to test, since my main teachers were coming in to teach anyway.

It didn't occur to me to question when this would happen, that they would take care of the details, and I should be prepared at any time. The seminar came and went, but there was no test. Nothing happened at all.

Then one of my teachers came up to me and I was told I would be granted rank and the paperwork would be filled out without a physical test. Why?? I want a physical test! Why am I different from all the other students who take physical tests? I don't want to believe they forgot. But I think they forgot.

Anyway, my nameplate was moved up in rank in my absence, and a little note of congratulations was attached to it. I received some congratulatory emails as well. The thing is, I didn't tell anyone that I had passed. I told a couple of people that I wasn't sure but I think I might've been awarded rank.

The anger hit not because of any of this, per se; it hit when I felt deprived of the joy of actually testing, passing, and receiving rank from my teachers, of being able to reciprocate the joy of congratulatory hugs. I felt stifled and passive, and disappointed.

And now it's all about letting it go. It doesn't matter when it comes down to it. My Aikido hasn't changed. My job on the earth hasn't changed. Even my respect for these people hasn't much been affected. If I can hold the space and keep moving, there is much more to gain over freezing it and solidifying the negative feelings in my mind.

I got a cold promptly after dropping off the last teacher at the airport. It traveled through my body -- I could feel the virus moved from my lungs to my intestines to my ears, etc. It took four days for it to move through me and now I feel about 90% well. So this is about half the time it used to take...